At some point in the last year or so, an individual — think a family acquaintance, energy drink business partner, your general friend of a friend of a friend — approached the Patriots tight end about appearing in an independent movie. “Gronk, this flick will have it all,” this individual might have pitched. “Hot chicks, violence, booze and Emmy Award winning character actor Armand Assante. Also, hot chicks!”
Predictably, Gronk said yes. Gronk should have said no. This weekend, You Can’t Have It was savaged in a devastating review by New England’s paper of record:
Honestly, there’s so much to dislike about You Can’t Have It, beginning with the script, which is so crude and clichéd in its treatment of women and sex that it could’ve been written by a middle-school boy. The male characters are all dunderheads and the female characters are there to be ogled, that’s all.
Gronk plays a cop who’s dispatched to keep the peace at a local watering hole. Unluckily for us, he doesn’t show up until after two young women in tiny dresses have a knife fight in a grimy bathroom. Dressed in a blazer and a collared shirt, Gronk’s character utters exactly one line, but it must not be too memorable because … we can’t remember it.
Good news: That one line shows up in the trailer. Skip to the two-minute mark to see it, though I kind of suggest you watch the whole thing on account of all the unintentional comedy involved. Wait … is that Dominique Swain?!? Tough business.
Gronk, meanwhile, is quietly putting together one of the greatest bad film resumes in the game. His credit in You Can’t Have It (God, even the name is terrible) nestles snugly beside a beer-chugging cameo in the Entourage movie. Oh, the humanity.
You know you're in a bad movie when you have a one-line cameo and they put you front and center on the poster. pic.twitter.com/M8iKMoLmOy
— Dan Hanzus (@DanHanzus) March 20, 2017